ENT•RIES
PROF•ILO
AMI•CO
CHIACCHI•ERATA
Mé•MOIRES
DIS•CLAIMER
Monday, August 31, 2009
Smile To whom it may concern, if you're the one in the near or distant future who will be filling up the void left by her, who is not her, and is reading this, i would like to apologize for not being able to love you as much. I would like to apologize that you will never be the World's Best Girlfriend for me because I've given it to the one and only. I would like to apologize for not being able to give my all to you. Yet, i will try to fulfill my position as your significant other. I took my time off today to visit the resting places of both my late dad and grandmother. It's been a while since i visited them and i would like to see them before i go for my enlistment. Both has always been by my side since young and left me to continue what they left behind. I have no regrets and am proud to know they were once by my side to aid me with my upbringing and for that i couldn't thank them enough. It's been an honor to be under their guidance. And to you readers, please do not take your family for granted. You will realize how important they are once they are no longer around to dictate your life. I would also like to thank Naser for allowing me to follow him and giving me a ride. After which i had a mini catch up with him by breaking fast at Bukit Batok Interchange and catching Final Destination at West Mall. I believe this is the 1st time i manage to catch his soft and mature side of his. He sent me to Ang Mo Kio to meet up with Psycho Wan, Psycho Gideon, Psycho Maya & friends who were studying. Overall, i believe today's a fruitful day. In any case, i find one of their friend adorable. Till then. 12:21 AM | back to top
Sunday, August 30, 2009
the arithmetic of love They say that if you love someone you should let them go, but they never say what to do when they don’t come back. It's a pain realizing that you've not even took a single step forward. It goes to show you're still stuck in the past no matter what you do. You realized that all this while you're just being a hypocrite by still doing the things that you've been doing together with your former significant other even though they are not around; be it subconsciously or not. Her features, character and personality are something so distinctive that you couldn't even overlook. I've taken advices from my own cousin and friends to try and socialize. Making new friends in the only way to start anew. I'm no avid fan of rebound relationship, but in order to honor my words to make life easier for her, i made a few. Maybe i did expect too much from them that i even compared them with her. I know everyone has different traits and that makes them, them. But as it is, i got easily offended and disgusted. For some reason, unless they are better than the former, i totally refuse to acknowledge them, keeping the conversation short. Seriously. I wasn't in the best of mood knowing she was fasting yet blatantly being told, oh! I just woke up. I slept through the whole evening after clubbing yesterday. I'm beat. I'm still having hangover. I understand she's in no obligation to fast since she's neither a Malay nor a Muslim like her, yet it find it a mockery to my own religion after she retorted, It's after breaking fast. So there's nothing wrong. Well fuck you. I just said i need to catch some sleep and remove any forms of contacts with her. Things wouldn't get easier when I'm stuck with a psychopath who wants me to be hers and for nuts i don't even fucking know her full name. I guess women nowadays are rather daring in their stunts. Sadly, after being put through the lies and deceptions a year before with stories to test my unrequited love, i believe they should do better with the sob stories. Every time they started their little misleading confessions, the only thing that comes to my mind was, humor me. I grew skeptical of approaches. To me, it's just a fake facade to see if we could accept them as who they are. I don't believe in such since they will be the 1st to initiate leaving. Do not get me wrong. This is nothing close to hatred or angst. For the jeez of it, what i'm trying to say is It's either her, her equivalent or better. Those who can't even come close to what she has done for me and my family or have the same values and principles should just fuck off and don't waste my time. I have no interest in others who can't even give me a challenge or show me the warmness that she has shown. Then again, i know i'll be repelling more than attracting. It doesn't matter anyway, said the chipped tooth Fadd. I'm even called the stupiddumb. I prefer CHUBs or Dale. Its better in a sense. Sheesh. I can't even have something complementing to go about with my name. They've lost all sense of imagination. The dog. Cunning Fox. Cheeky Bastard. Useless Thrash. Stupid Dumb. Oh please, spare me the immaturity. If I'm 14, i would have treated that as a joke. And acting cute with your twittering like wat ar euu doin ? pisses me off. I never enjoyed reading such anyways. Even with friends, i would just refuse to read it's content and would reply nonchalantly without efforts. Hidzir told me to get a malay girl. No offense, but i do not want to repeat the same mistake. They are either of the extreme ends. And they are hardly a challenge. We're born to be receptive to our own limits and boundaries and not asking for more. I'm tired of such generalization within the Malay community. It's widespread and epidemic. So what's next? I guess I'll just settle for Psycho Fadd for now. I'd be lying if i say i don't miss her. Till then. 12:21 AM | back to top
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Ease up on the past, let go of the anger. The greatest irony of love is letting go when you need to hold on and holding on when you need to let go. We lose someone we love only when we are destined to find someone else who can love us even more than we can love ourselves. All these seemed surreal. It seems as if it was just yesterday we had fun together, walking hand in hand, catching a movie. Reality bites. Knowing it's hard for her, she put it in a way it will be easy for me to move on. It couldn't get any better. At every corner of this plot of space, her soul lingers. her soul brightens up my day. Everyday, without fail. Loving the right person at the wrong time, having the wrong person when the time is right, and finding out you love someone right after that person walks out of your life and sometimes, you think you're already over a person, but when you see them smile at you, you'll suddenly realize that you're just pretending to be over them just to ease the pain of knowing that they will never be yours again. Life's a bitch. That i gotta admit. Yet, i give credits to my friends, be it the COTs or the Psychos. Wan's very much matured for his age. He is very optimistic with his values and will go all out to see it through, despite being an ass-wipe. Period. Thanks for putting up with me. Time is surely not of an essence. 13 more days and I've yet to get myself back up on my feet. Give me time. I'll make it easier for her. On a side note, i would like to thank you for your time. I appreciate your sentiments that you've waited for me for all this while. Yet, to be honest, i don't even know you in person, or even how you look like and we've never met. All i know, you were a friend of my ex during my secondary school years and hope you will be able to come clean in the near future over the rumors which dogged you for years. Though for now, I'll play this game you've set up. At least it will be entertaining to see as time will tell who's telling the truth and who's speculating. Till then, I believe it's better if you channel your feelings to someone who wants to be with you than being in an unrequited love story. Fadd, signing off. 12:21 AM | back to top
Thursday, August 27, 2009
When darkness turns to light I tried not to. Yet, i couldn't hold back. To say it was easy, when it's fucking hard. Let's be friends, she said. Deep down i know even as friends, it's a lost cause. With the way things went before, i couldn't see her as a friend. I will feel awkward if such situations did occur. And with the messy aftermath, we didn't meet and see each other eye to eye anymore nor even have conversations like we used to. And even as friends, i don't want to be a friend just by name. I'll still be no different from an acquaintance where contacted and asked for a meet up only when remembered and it won't be any different as even as it is now, we're doing just that. And finally, i wanted to make it easier for her to move on for a simple reason. I know that by agreeing to be friends and gotten her new number, i wouldn't be able to make things easier. For a simple reason being i might not be able to hold back the urge to text her. It's better this way. It's hard for her, yet i believe it's harder for me to grasp the whole situation. Almost everyday, i'm living in a state of denial. She has shunned me out of her heart, ruling out a return with me. It pains to hear that, yet on the other hand at least she's being truthful. There's no longer any means to try, since it's already too late. I've also come to realize that it will be hard to find a replacement for the void she left. She left a great impact on my family that they still sought her for assistance. I've always wondered if there's even anybody else who can achieve the feat she did with my family. Even when we're not together, her opinions and say are easily received by my family members. I realize that she's different. Her way of thinking and speaking reflects her maturity. In comparison with the other girls, who prefers to either put up a cute front, she portrays herself very professionally without being bound to emotions and feelings getting the best of her. She's just simply one of a kind. Even when i was accompanying Wan, Maya & Gideon whom were studying for their Friday paper, that place brings back memories. The New York New York fucking huge burger i couldn't finish on one of our dates. Even playing L4D at the LAN shop near Kovan brings back memories. She's so close, yet so far. But it was a blast playing with them. As i expected, i don't think even if i'm forced to move on, i know i still won't be able to do it. Till then. 12:21 AM | back to top
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Best Daddy in the world  Dad, it's been 7 years hasn't it? You left us back then on this day after losing your battle with cancer. You're greatly missed. I wished you we're still here and see us grow old. But i'm sure the place you're at now, will be more peaceful and serene. So keep on looking after us. I guess i'm your carbon copy. I ended up in Infantry just like you. Sorry i couldn't bring her to visit you at your resting place. So for now, rest well. We'll follow you soon. Who knows, maybe sooner than expected. 12:21 AM | back to top
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Bombs   A bomber Parka & Nokia E51 have been officially ranked number 1 & 2 respectively in my most wanted list. Anyone? 12:21 AM | back to top
Monday, August 24, 2009
Creep But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo What the hell am I doin' here? I don't belong here. 12:21 AM | back to top
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Bittersweet Symphony Friends can be defined as, 1. A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts. 2. A person whom one knows; an acquaintance. 3. A person with whom one is allied in a struggle or cause; a comrade. 4. One who supports, sympathizes with, or patronizes a group, cause, or movement. Being the introvert of the group who hates weaklings, groupings & minglings, my circle of friends is no larger than life itself. I do not believe making a sum of friends will be of any benefits. For their existence are questioned. They can never be there for us forever. While some doesn't have the depth to think far in life, they claimed that friends outweigh our significant other at any point of given time. I won't even bother to compare it with family. Who knows what simpletons will derive at. Hypocrisy's never dead though. When things go wrong with the significant other, They claimed they have friends to help them pull through. That i have to agree. But they failed to realize, the empty void left by the significant other can't be replaced by mere friends. I'll also repeat that Hypocrisy has no end. They contradict themselves by making fun of those friends that they say are important to them. They can be replaced and discard at any point of time, whenever they feel like it, and even curse them openly. I presume that mentality comes from the basic principality that friends will always forgive each other no matter what. And to think that you're the one lecturing me about friends? and you're the one who said friends are important when you use them as tools which you can choose to be friends and when not to? Expressing how much you dislike him/her behind them before yet the way i see it you're close enough to even go out together? Spare me the lectures. I'm happy with my circle of friends. Be it there's a Judas amongst them, they are still friends. Each of us has a weakness or something that others wouldn't like. Yet we make it known so that we'll try to avoid complications. You're a hypocrite to no end. You claimed they are always there for you, but when you needed help, you came running to us. Or are they just gimmicks? While we went far to even go out of our leagues to help, i guess those friends you looked up to doesn't even bother do they? So what we're no fun? I hope you'll realize that in the midst of that very enjoyment, once your friends is matured enough to think of settling down, it is then you'll feel the empty void left by your other significant. So spare me the lectures. Apply what you've said on yourself before you start to advice others. On another note, i decided to take up the COTs & HuiHui's proposition. I've re-add her and i'll leave it to her to accept. It's a big hoo haa that i removed her from Facebook. Can't blame me. I had close to enough hearing that i'm using it to spy on her. Like the COTs and HuiHui said, it's up to her. She can't blame you anymore if she doesn't accept. It is by her own stubbornness that she refuse to be moved then, leave it at that and don't pursue the matter. It is also brought up to my interest to explain to her why i couldn't see her as a family friend like i'm seeing V****t as. Pardon me of the censorship. As it was stated on the previous entry, I have no freedom of speech. I found this interesting and will be enough to answer her angst. Credits to Eletheowl. Cheers. :3 want to know what the truth is? I still love you and I probably will love you for a very long time. But I can’t just be your buddy, cause as much as I enjoy the concept of being “just friends” in reality it’s a bizarre form of torture and I’m just not willing to participate in it. So right now what I want to do is just move on and get over you and the only way for me to do that is to not be around you anymore. 12:21 AM | back to top
Saturday, August 22, 2009
I'm a weirdo There are many different types of blogs, differing not only in the type of content, but also in the way that content is delivered or written. And it is obviously that this blog is categorized under Personal blog. a personal blog, an ongoing diary or commentary by an individual, is the traditional, most common blog. Personal bloggers usually take pride in their blog posts, even if their blog is never read by anyone but them. Blogs often become more than a way to just communicate; they become a way to reflect on life or works of art. Blogging can have a sentimental quality. Few personal blogs rise to fame and the mainstream, but some personal blogs quickly garner an extensive following. Yet, i can never write what i seek or wishes to express. No matter what i write, there's bound to be someone who wishes to express their unhappiness. With the new censorship billed in, i will avoid writing anything with regards to her. It's hopeless. When i'm reminiscing of the past, I'm a selfish bastard who thinks only for himself and not caring about others; asking for sympathy. When i'm ranting out of anger, I'm just a dog who knows how to bark because i couldn't get what i want. I understand you've helped me and my family. Yet, your revoked status doesn't make you stand above me with your pointless lectures about her. With the past still lingers in my head, you're not a source of maturity i will seek advices from. As much as you're a family friend, your wisdom is never needed. Maybe just a listening ear, but never your words. We've made mistakes, and you've made yours too. Yet, you berate my posts as if you never did it all those. It was me who repetitively told you that you will be thanking me, so don't credit yourself for being strong. Did you remember what you said back then? If you do, before you open your mouth that you're not part of this problem, reflect that once upon a time you're. Yes, you may seemed not be part of it, yet you're always eager to know and pester. So what's the story, morning glory? :3 12:21 AM | back to top
Friday, August 21, 2009
رمضان رمضان or Ramadan is a significant month for the general Muslim community. It is the ninth month of the Islamic calendar. It is the Islamic month of fasting, in which participating Muslims refrain from eating, drinking, smoking, and indulging in anything that is in excess or ill-natured; from dawn until dusk. Fasting is meant to teach the Muslim patience, modesty and spirituality. Ramadan is a time to fast for the sake of Allah, and to offer more prayer than usual. During Ramadan, Muslims ask forgiveness for past sins, pray for guidance and help in refraining from everyday evils, and try to purify themselves through self-restraint and good deeds. As compared to solar calendar, the dates of Ramadan vary, moving forward about ten days each year. With that brief introduction in view, I wish the general Muslim community Salam Ramadan for the next month or so ahead. :3 12:21 AM | back to top
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Dale X Chubs What makes one unique is most probably their very own character. Be it bad or good, it's the main entity of who you are. As you grow up, we get lots of nicknames. Some which offends you, and some which makes you happy to hear. But the most distinctive to me would be Chubs. She gave me that nickname. She said it sounds cute and cuddly. Even till now, though we're no longer together, at times, my friends would poke fun at me with Chubs. It sure brings back memories. Though, I've retired myself from Chubs. Chubs belonged to her special someone. Till then, Chubs is just a White Tiger plushie. Please do not follow my footsteps. I've realized that all this while i still didn't learn anything from my previous relationships. She gave in everything she had, and now when she's gone, this empty void is irreplaceable. No matter how much i regret, she's gone. She doesn't acknowledge me anymore like she used to. Day in Nights out, She's always been appearing in my dreams. Ever smiling while running towards the horizon. She must indeed found her happiness. No matter if i beg nor cry her a river, she won't be coming back to me. All what's left are memories. This is definitely my 1st. My 1st to feel such emptiness. Such loneliness. Fear of being trapped. Fear of losing anyone. This void. Why am i such an idiot? How did this happened? It will be revealed soon. Sooner than you expected. I'll tell everything i know. Till Then. 12:21 AM | back to top
Friday, August 14, 2009
Broken It helps me sleep tonight Maybe it can start tomorrow From stealing all my time And I am here still waiting Though I still have my doubts I am damaged at best Like you've already figured out I'm falling apart I'm barely breathing With a broken heart That's still beating In the pain There is healing In your name I find meaning So I'm holding on I'm holding on I'm holding on I'm barely holding on to you The broken locks were a warning You got inside my head I tried my best to be guarded I'm an open book instead And I still see your reflection Inside of my eyes That are looking for purpose They're still looking for life I'm falling apart I'm barely breathing With a broken heart That's still beating In the pain (In the pain) Is there healing? In your name (In your name) I find meaning So I'm holding on (I'm still holding) I'm holding on (I'm still holding) I'm holding on (I'm still holding) I'm barely holding on to you I'm hanging on another day Just to see what you will throw my way And I'm hanging on to the words you say You said that I will be okay Broken lights on the freeway Left me here alone I may have lost my way now I haven't forgotten my way home I'm falling apart I'm barely breathing With a broken heart That's still beating In the pain (In the pain) There is healing In your name (In your name) I find meaning So I'm holding on (I'm still holding) I'm holding on (I'm still holding) I'm holding on (I'm still holding) I'm barely holding on to you I'm holding on (I'm still holding) I'm holding on (I'm still holding) I'm holding on (I'm still holding) I'm barely holding on to you PORTFOLIO  EMAIL | MSN | TWITTER | FACEBOOK AMIGOS
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